http://mysofit.com/blog/category/humor/ Blog categories... http://mysofit.com/MySofit/blog/how-to-handle-a-husband/
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches
in Montego Bay , Jamaica .

Their domestic tranquili...]]>
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches
in Montego Bay , Jamaica .

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple'

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in
America ,' explained the man.

'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took
a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse.
We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled
and she almost fell off.

My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'

We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my
wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time
my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the
poor animal like that, are you *%&#@$ crazy!?'

She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

And from that moment..... we have lived happily every after]]> http://mysofit.com/MySofit/blog/how-to-handle-a-husband/ Fri, 21 May 2010 15:37:34 +0000 Mr MySofit http://mysofit.com/MySofit/blog/the-old-german-shepard/
The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... 'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.]]> http://mysofit.com/MySofit/blog/the-old-german-shepard/ Fri, 14 May 2010 17:33:19 +0000 Mr MySofit http://mysofit.com/MySofit/blog/joe-legal-vs-jose-illegal/
You have two families: "Joe Legal" and "Jose Illegal". Both families have two parents, two children, and live in Californ...]]>
You have two families: "Joe Legal" and "Jose Illegal". Both families have two parents, two children, and live in California ..

Joe Legal works in construction, has a Social Security Number and makes $25.00 per hour with taxes deducted.

Jose Illegal also works in construction, has NO Social Security Number, and gets paid $15.00 cash "under the table".

Ready? Now pay attention...

Joe Legal: $25.00 per hour x 40 hours = $1000.00 per week, or $52,000.00 per year. Now take 30% away for state and federal tax; Joe Legal now has $31,231.00.

Jose Illegal: $15.00 per hour x 40 hours = $600.00 per week, or $31,200.00 per year. Jose Illegal pays no taxes.. Jose Illegal now has $31,200.00.

Joe Legal pays medical and dental insurance with limited coverage for his family at $600.00 per month, or $7,200.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $24,031.00.

Jose Illegal has full medical and dental coverage through the state and local clinics at a cost of $0..00 per year. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.00.

Joe Legal makes too much money and is not eligible for food stamps or welfare. Joe Legal pays $500.00 per month for food, or $6,000.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $18,031.00.

Jose Illegal has no documented income and is eligible for food stamps and welfare. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.00.

Joe Legal pays rent of $1,200.00 per month, or $14,400.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $9,631.00.

Jose Illegal receives a $500.00 per month federal rent subsidy. Jose Illegal pays out that $500.00 per month, or $6,000.00 per year. Jose Illegal still has $ 31,200.00.

Joe Legal pays $200.00 per month, or $2,400.00 for insurance. Joe Legal now has $7,231.00.

Jose Illegal says, "We don't need no stinkin' insurance!" and still has $31,200.00.

Joe Legal has to make his $7,231.00 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, etc.

Jose Illegal has to make his $31,200.00 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, and what he sends out of the country every month.

Joe Legal now works overtime on Saturdays or gets a part time job after work.

Jose Illegal has nights and weekends off to enjoy with his family.

Joe Legal's and Jose Illegal's children both attend the same school. Joe Legal pays for his children's lunches while Jose Illegal's children get a government sponsored lunch. Jose Illegal's children have an after school ESL program. Joe Legal's children go home.

Joe Legal and Jose Illegal both enjoy the same police and fire services, but Joe paid for them and Jose did not pay.

Do you get it, now?

If you vote for or support any politician that supports illegal aliens...

You are part of the problem!

It's way PAST time to take a stand for America and Americans! What are you waiting for? Pass it on.


'The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government.'
Thomas Jefferson



The only man I need to be better than, is the man I was yesterday.]]> http://mysofit.com/MySofit/blog/joe-legal-vs-jose-illegal/ Thu, 04 Feb 2010 23:25:02 +0000 Mr MySofit http://mysofit.com/MySofit/blog/i-love-black-folk-there-s-nobody-like-us/

With black folks, everything starts late! Everything ends late. Time is just a thang!

Black folks' philosophy about time is, "We may not be on t...]]>

With black folks, everything starts late! Everything ends late. Time is just a thang!

Black folks' philosophy about time is, "We may not be on time, but we are in time, and we don't want to miss anything."

Black folks arrive late for weddings, funerals, and Sunday church services! And then act like they are on time!

Black folks will go to social functions, particularly at church, and not stay for the program, but want to wrap up some food to take home as if the event is fast food "take out."

When some black preachers can't think of what else to say during a sermon, will say, "Look at your neighbor and say, ' God loves you!"

Every black family has a preacher..

When a lead choir member can't reach a high note or has forgotten the words, the choir members will get filled with "a holy ghost," get happy, shout and not have to finish the song.

A black gospel choir can sing a three word song for twenty minutes.

In the black church, the announcements are longer than the sermon.

Black folks cry and pass out at the funeral, but are fine and laughin' at the dinner following the interment.

The black church takes twenty minutes to take up an offering at an afternoon program and only raise $76.34! (don't forget they take an hour to count it again after church).

Black folks will ask grandparents to watch their kids while they run an errand but don't pick them up until two days later.

Black folks eat "fried" bologna.

Black folks refer to diabetes as, "Sugar."

Don't ask black folks for the precise time. They respond, "Almost a quarter after...." or a "little after two."

Black folks will eat ferociously at the family dinner, and then have the nerve to start wrappin' stuff up in foil to take home.

Black cashiers always seem to have an attitude.

Black folks sell CDs, potato chips, nabs and sodas out the trunk of their cars after church and at the football game.

Black folks have at least one person in the family who still wears a Jheri curl.

Black folks stay engaged for six years and never get married.

Black folks will have the telephone company shut off their house phone, but still have a cell phone on.

Black folks put hot sauce and ketchup on everything!

Black folks have at least one family member that "almost" made it to the pros.

Black folks will owe you and everybody else in the neighborhood money but can buy a new car.

Black folks re-use ZipLoc baggies, paper plates, plastic forks, spoons, and knives.

Black folks put thin left over bars of soap in jars or plastic containers, run scalding hot water over them to melt them down to use as dishwashing liquid or home made bubble bath

Black folks won't throw anything away! The rationale is that you never know when you might need it!

IN SPITE OF ALL OF OUR PECULIAR WAYS , I STILL LOVE BLACK FOLKS! DON'T YOU??

YOU'D BETTER... CUZ YOU "IS" ONE!]]> http://mysofit.com/MySofit/blog/i-love-black-folk-there-s-nobody-like-us/ Mon, 18 Jan 2010 20:55:24 +0000 Mr MySofit http://mysofit.com/MySofit/blog/little-johnny/ c...]]> children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"]]> http://mysofit.com/MySofit/blog/little-johnny/ Sat, 19 Dec 2009 00:30:14 +0000 Mr MySofit http://mysofit.com/MySofit/blog/fema-genie/

His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain...]]>

His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

'Well, cowboy,' says the genie. 'You know how I work....

You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.', said the cowboy. 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
'OK! I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen,
and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests
filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish... Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says...
'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything,
there's going to be a string attached.]]> http://mysofit.com/MySofit/blog/fema-genie/ Sat, 12 Dec 2009 21:17:43 +0000 Mr MySofit http://mysofit.com/MySofit/blog/black-robbers/
For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on this: (And it's a true story...) On a recent weekend in Atlantic City , a woman won...]]>
For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on this: (And it's a true story...) On a recent weekend in Atlantic City , a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with
her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. 'I'll be right back and we'll go to eat,' she told
her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an
intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.' Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot; they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!!

Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty
effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. 'My God,' she thought, I'm
trapped and about to be robbed! 'Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, 'Hit the floor.' Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, 'Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what
floor you're going to, we'll push the button.' The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a
belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. 'When I told my friend here to hit the floor,' said the average sized one, 'I meant
that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am.' He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was
obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.' She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.

The card said: 'Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years.'

It was signed;
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan]]> http://mysofit.com/MySofit/blog/black-robbers/ Sun, 15 Nov 2009 19:38:02 +0000 Mr MySofit http://mysofit.com/MySofit/blog/darwin-awards-2009/
And once again, it's time for the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwins
are
awarded every year to the persons who died in the st...]]>
And once again, it's time for the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwins
are
awarded every year to the persons who died in the stupidest manner,
thereby
removing themselves from the gene pool.

Nominee No. 1

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former
girlfriends windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the
gun
discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2: (Kalamazoo Gazette):

James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he
was
trying to repair what police describe as a" farm-type truck." Burns
got a
friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so
that
he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns clothes
caught on
something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the
drive."

Nominee No. 3: (Hickory Daily Record):

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in
December in
Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his
bed, he
reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special,
which
discharged when he drew it to his ear.

Nominee No. 4: (UPI,Toronto):

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a
downtown
Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and
plunged 24
floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into
the
courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as
he was
explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law
students.
Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength
according to
police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day
Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best
and
brightest" members of the 200-man association.

Nominee No. 5: (The News of the Weird):

Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had
spent
several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder
conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison.
While
sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV
set, he
bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

Nominee No. 6: (Indianapolis Star):

A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk,
IN. A
Jay Countryman, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a
muzzle
loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his
face,
sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his
parents
rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was
cleaning
a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was
using
the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Nominee No. 7: (Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario):

A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium
apartment in
this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan
Macko,
55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred, said
Inspector
Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair
moved,
and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

Finally, THE WINNER!!!: Always, the best is for last!

(Arkansas Democrat Gazette*):

Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and
struck
a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff
County
Deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight
Monday.
Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little
Rock,
were returning to Des Arc after a frog catching trip. On an overcast
Sunday
night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men
concluded
that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a
replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22
caliber
bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the
steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again
began
to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the
White
River Bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before
crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and
struck
Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting
the
pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and
abrasions
from the accident, but will require extensive surgery to repair the
damage
to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis
sustained a
broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on
that
bridge when Thurston shot his b***s off, or we might both be dead,"
stated
Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world,
but
this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would adm it
how this
accident happened," said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how
many
frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.
Priorities, after all!!!

* Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their
misadventure as
normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued
that
Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool. ;}]]> http://mysofit.com/MySofit/blog/darwin-awards-2009/ Sun, 01 Nov 2009 23:43:33 +0000 Mr MySofit